ELVIS WILLIAMS DUMEHASSIE WRITES NOTES
HOW TO CONTROL AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Overview
If you are in an abusive relationship, you should consider getting out of it immediately. Abuse is not acceptable in any relationship, and both physical and mental abuse can lead to violence and result in someone getting hurt or killed. If you and your partner are seeking therapy or you feel you want to save your relationship, you can try to control the abusive behaviour and events by your actions.
Step 1
Disregard verbal attacks. If your partner comes after you with verbal threats, try to ignore him or her and just walk away. If they confront you face to face, refuse to offer a rebuttal with negative talk. Let them know you are not going to contribute to fighting behaviour. Your partner may initiate a barrier around you to prevent you from leaving by threatening to take money away or hurt your children, explains the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness. Fighting back and forth prolongs the fighting and can escalate into a serious situation quickly, but avoiding confrontation gives you control of the situation.
Step 2
Avoid adding fuel to the fire. Never start a verbal argument with someone who has a history of violence or abuse. If you have an issue, try talking about it in a relaxed and calm tone of voice. The Helpguide website states that you may feel mistreated and may avoid certain topics or feel you can't do anything right when you are in an abusive relationship. You can control the relationship by taking responsibility for your own behavior and being the better person by not fighting with your partner.
Step 3
Walk away from an abusive situation. This can be difficult to do, but it will remove you from the argument or pending argument. If you sense tension growing, it may be best to just walk away from home. Abusers want you to feel powerless and helpless; it gives them control, states the Recovery-Man website. Stepping away from the situation gives you control over the abuse and how you are treated.
Step 4
Try counseling. If you are both willing to work on your relationship, but one of you still has a problem with abuse, suggest counseling. This will be beneficial to your relationship and your mental health. This will allow your partner to learn positive techniques to deal with stress rather than targeting you with put-downs or physical abuse.
Step 5
Call for help. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for resources in your area. They will help you locate a shelter and put you in touch with counselors and social workers who can offer counseling and assistance in an emergency situation. If a situation gets out of hand, and you feel that your life is in immediate danger, you need to call police immediately.
Tips and Warnings
• Tell friends and family members about your abusive relationship. This will create awareness, and they can help if you need to escape a dangerous situation. Set up a safety plan that includes having credit cards, cash on hand, clothes and extra sets of keys in a bag that is packed and ready to go.
• Substance abuse can lead to arguments getting out of control. Be cautious when confronting a partner who is intoxicated; this could trigger a fight.
DATING A SINGLE FATHER
Overview
Dating a single father can be a challenge for you if you don't have children of your own or if you've never dated a single parent. You may have to learn some patience and allow for flexibility when you become involved with a single dad. His child's needs are his priority, so you must be willing to accept that you won't always be on the top of his list. Additionally, a single dad may have to contest with the frustration or involvement of an ex who has been awarded visitation rights.
Step 1
Respect his needs or schedule. Avoid competing for his attention or affection; he'll resent you for making him choose and, eventually, you'll lose. If you're going to maintain a relationship, you have to understand his limitations. As a single parent, he must "...act in such a way as to assure the child's best possible development, and this should be the goal of parenting plans focused on the child's best interests," says developmental psychologist Jean Mercer.
Step 2
Attempt to understand his emotions. Single parenting is a challenge in itself, but he may have more difficulty if his ex is still involved. He may get irritated or frustrated easily, so try to determine when he's tired and overwhelmed from being a single dad and separate it from his interaction with you. Don't interrogate him about his contact with the ex---it's for the well-being of the children, says single parenting expert Jodi Seidler.
Step 3
Give him a chance to bring up the idea of meeting his child. Don't try to rush the process for the single dad. Respect the fact that he must be selective about the people he brings into his child's life. Seidler suggests that you gradually and casually spend time with the child and remain "a friend" to the single dad---be careful about showing affection toward each other in front of the child.
Step 4
Try to understand his child's reaction to you. Don't be offended if the child is unapproachable. Children can be extremely possessive of a parent who brings someone else into the picture. Be sensitive of their needs. Human development regional specialist at the University of Missouri Arthur J. Schneider says that children may be more resentful toward a new woman in their father's life than a new man in their mother's life.
Step 5
Remember that your relationship is with him. Avoid trying to mother his children. Don't push yourself on his children, because it may provoke conflict in your relationship. Allow your man to spend time with his children outside of your relationship. Give the kids time to get used to the transition of accepting you as a part of their dad's life; they need to see that you're not a threat, Seidler says.
Getting wed on a weekday.
More and more couples are choosing to tie the knot on a weekday. Is the tradition of weddings on Saturdays under threat?
A thick, luxuriant card embossed with joined up writing, slips out of the envelope. Your eyes light up - Sue and Mike are getting married in a castle and want you to be there on their big day. Then your face falls. The wedding is on a Tuesday.
The most recent figures from the Office for National Statistics - from 2008 - showed that 60% of couples in England and Wales marry on a Saturday.
Friday in second place accounted for almost a fifth of all weddings as couples sought to jump the queue for their desired venue. Sunday (5.5%) trailed in third. But since those statistics were compiled, there's been a lift-off for the mid-week wedding.
It's a definite trend, says Arabella Dupont, executive retail editor at Brides magazine. The main reason is cost, with mid-week events about a third cheaper. With figures published this month by Brides showing that couples spend an average of £24,669 on their wedding, it's easy to see why people are looking for savings, Dupont argues.
There's also the hook of better availability. Country House Weddings, a company operating four stately homes in Essex, Gloucestershire and Somerset, holds 250 weddings a year at each venue.
With only 52 weekends a year, and high demand, couples are opting for a formerly unfashionable Monday or Tuesday to ensure they get to marry in a historic house with large grounds, a spokeswoman says. It can also lead to savings of about 40% in high season.
At Guthrie Castle in Scotland, which holds about 40 weddings a year, mid-week weddings are the most noticeable recent trend, says Maeghan Cuthill, weddings manageress. The reason is that weekends book out a year or more in advance, meaning that anyone wanting to marry at short notice must choose a weekday. There is also the enticement of around 30% off, she says.
There are tricky issues to be negotiated with the mid-week wedding. First up there's the fear you might have to share your venue with a David Brent-style corporate away day.
Then there's the thorny question of guests being expected to take a precious day or two off work. "It would have to be a very close friend for me to take time off work," Dupont admits. For that reason mid-week works best for smaller, more intimate weddings.
And it's preferable to go later in the week so people feel the working week is almost over. "If it's at the start of the week, people won't be able to let their hair down as much. They'll be thinking about how they've got to go back to work."
Traditionalists might argue that the sense of occasion is lost on a Tuesday afternoon. But a wedding should be able to transcend which day of the week it's on, Dupont believes. "As a bride you hope your nearest and dearest will be just as excited about your wedding on a Tuesday as on a Saturday."
Siobhan Craven-Robins, who plans weddings costing about £45,000, says there's little cause amongst her wealthy clients for mid-week celebrations. The trend is more towards holding longer celebrations stretching over three days.
It begins on the Friday night with an informal dinner before the wedding on the Saturday and a brunch or barbecue on Sunday. "It's to make it last longer, to get to see everyone and enjoy the experience. Especially as people are getting married further away from where they live."
But the financially-straitened times means that many people on average earnings are looking to make savings on weddings.
Travelodge reports an increase in wedding guests staying at its hotels, which offer rooms for as little as £29 a night. "Weddings are so expensive nowadays that people are making cutbacks," says a spokeswoman.
In 2009, hotel chain Holiday Inn offered couples a wedding package for £999 that included a civil ceremony, evening DJ , function rooms and finger buffet for up to 100 guests.
But the Reverend David Newton, a baptist minister in Leeds, has gone one further. He cites statistics showing that 75% of co-habiters want to get married. Many of them are being put off by the high figures quoted for the cost of a wedding, he worries.
So Newton recently set up the website hundredpoundwedding.com to show that it can be done on the cheap. The Baptist church charges £67 for the wedding licence and says that with just another £33, a decent wedding can be arranged.
"One couple saved up their clubcard points and bought their wedding ring at Tesco," Rev Newton says. Other people have borrowed dresses, got friends to do the catering, or asked people to pay for their own dinner instead of buying a present.
The Church of England is backing another costcutting trend. A small but growing number of couples are choosing to have their wedding reception at the back of the church after the marriage service. "It works brilliantly for couples who want it," says Gillian Oliver, manager of the Church of England's wedding project. "It can help make it more economical. Especially as couples who get married in a church may be missing out on 'all-in' offers from civil venues."
Former Conservative MP Gyles Brandreth says the whole nature of weddings has changed for the better. Brandreth introduced the private members bill that led to 1994's Marriage Act, which allows weddings to take place outside a church or register office.
Once upon a time, weddings were about a virgin bride and the legal joining of husband and wife. The reception, consisting often of just a cup of tea and a slice of cake, was something of an afterthought, he says.
Today people get married later and are often living together already. Protocol, including what day of the week you get hitched, has been jettisoned in favour of fun, he believes. "Weddings used to be very simple affairs. Now people can truly celebrate with family and friends on a great, joyous day."
IS HE CHEATING ON YOU... HOW TO KNW..
1. He’s superprotective of his gadgets. “The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,” says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.
2. He steps up the grooming. “This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,” says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He’s spending more time at the gym.
3. He smells different. “When he comes home, if he doesn’t smell the same as he did in the morning, and it isn’t the scent of soap in the gym or at your home, it may be because he’s showered at her place,” offers Vranich. So pay attention, because in this case, that old saying “the nose knows” might very well be true.
4. Nothing fazes him anymore. “If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,” Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”
HOW TO MAKE A KISS MEMORABLE WITHOUT MAKING KISSING MISTAKES
Whether it's your first kiss with someone new or your lifetime partner, kissing usually leaves an impression -- one that lingers long after your lips have locked.
Kissing often plays an important role in relationships. "It fosters romantic compatibility," says Michael Christian, author of The Art of Kissing (published under the pen name William Cane). "The more that people kiss, the more they're able to communicate on a romantic level."
The first kiss
Kirkland Desmond, a software engineer in Tampa, Fla., vividly recalls his first kiss with his wife a decade ago. They were sitting on the couch in her dad's living room and as he leaned over to kiss her, he lost his balance and fell off the couch, pulling her down with him.
"I was so nervous because she was completely out of my league," he says. "So our first kiss happened while we were laughing and 10 years and three beautiful children later, we're still laughing and kissing every chance we get."
If your first kiss -- or any of the many that follow -- isn't what you're hoping for, talk about it. Many couples hesitate to talk about kissing out of embarrassment, Christian says.
Don't be shy about telling your partner what you like or asking what your partner prefers, he says. Just don't do it while you're kissing, so your partner doesn't take it as a rebuke.
Men's and women's kissing mistakes
Most of us have clear preferences -- turn-ons and pet peeves -- when it comes to kissing styles.
Christian says men's biggest mistake is that they're too aggressive with their tongues. And men claim that women don't open their mouths wide enough.
For both sexes, the No. 1 kissing complaint is lack of variety, Christian says. He recommends kissing the different parts of your partner's face and paying special attention to the ears and neck. He suggests biting softly on the lower lip and nibbling gently on the earlobe.
Two keys to a memorable kiss are pleasing your partner and pleasing yourself.
"Put your whole body into the kiss," says Marilyn Anderson, author of Never Kiss a Frog: A Girl's Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp. "Without words, your lips should say, 'Baby, there's more where that came from!' There are ways to keep it fresh and new all the time."
She suggests starting with gentle kisses on the neck, move up to the ear, then go to the lips. Take some small breaks and then come back to the lips.
"Here's my kissing tip: Put a hand on your kissing partner's neck," says Pamela Weiss, marketing director in Los Angeles. "It adds passion, like 'I can't get enough.' And let's be honest, that's what makes for a great kiss."
Don't get hung up on what a kiss might lead to. Enjoy it for its own sake.
"A good kiss is deep and soulful and you should feel each other's love through the kiss," says Dan Landau, an engaged graduate student in Bridgewater, N.J. "A great kiss is an adventure in itself, not a stepping point to something else."
Falling off the kissing wagon
Steamy make-out sessions usually happen early on in a relationship, or the honeymoon period.
But later on, when people are in a long-term relationship, they too often stop kissing and lose that intimate connection, says Anderson. In a Redbook poll, 79% of women said they don't kiss their husbands nearly as much as they'd like.
"You've got to keep kissing in the game," Anderson says. "The emotional importance of a kiss is where it all begins and you shouldn't let it go just because you've known someone for a long time."
"When my wife kisses me, it's like she's telling me, 'I love you' without words," Desmond says.
Time hasn't made kissing ho-hum for Landau and his fiancee, either.
"If anything, our kisses are better now than they were initially," Landau says. "We know each other on a much deeper level after two and a half years together. When we first kissed, there were sparks. Now, there are fireworks."
10 MYTHS ABOUT PREGNANCY
Myth: Pregnancy is a fulfilling, life-affirming experience
We all know them: Women who sail through their nine months loving every minute, full of the promise of the new life they carry within.
What's with the rest of us?
It turns out that a host of factors - biological, psychological, and social - can trip up women on their way to delivery day. "People think you feel wonderful and special and euphoric," says Leslie Hartley Gise, M.D., a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Hawaii. "But pregnant women can become depressed or anxious, too."
Minefields can range from the stresses of work, to the monumental things happening to your body, to the worry over the life changes that come with bringing a child into the world.
"I almost resented being pregnant the first time," admits Kimberly Mele, of Cumming, GA. "As a hairdresser, I was on my feet all the time, which left me exhausted. Plus, my belly kept me from getting into the positions I needed to cut properly."
The best lines of defense against pregnancy's blues? "If you work, try to find a balance between the pressures of your job and your physical and emotional needs," says Dr. Gise. Slow down when you need to. As your due date approaches, can you work at home one or two days a week? Equally crucial: Find someone to lean on. Your partner, friends, or family members - even acquaintances from childbirth class - can provide support. Also, says Dr. Gise, "now and after the baby arrives, stay involved in other important areas of your life - interests, hobbies, work - to help you keep a part of yourself separate, just for you."
Myth: You'll crave pickles and ice cream
You might, but you could have totally unexpected yearnings, too. Normally a chocoholic, I was certain that pregnancy would make me wolf down everything from super-fudge ice cream to chocolate croissants. But it was fruits and salads in one pregnancy, and starchy foods like bagels and muffins in the next.
Cravings tend to vary with each pregnancy, and sometimes even week to week or day to day. Before Amy Rodriguez became pregnant, she never ate sandwiches or white bread, and considered herself a healthy eater. But the first time she was expecting, says the Cypress, CA, mother of three, "I'd eat tuna melts at every meal for a week, then move on to something else, like ham-on-white sandwiches and chips."
"Most cravings are harmless in terms of your health, although they're not always good for weight gain," says Richard Henderson, M.D., an obstetrician-gynecologist at St. Francis Hospital, in Wilmington, DE. If you're gaining in line with your doctor's recommendation, he says, and you're getting enough calcium and fruits and vegetables, don't worry about indulging - in moderation.
Myth: Queasiness will end with the first trimester
"Morning sickness lasted well into my second trimester," says Susannah Hunnewell, an editor in New York City, whose obstetrician, friends, and pregnancy books said it would be gone by then. "It's the feeling of helplessness that really got to me. You just have to wait for it to go away."
And morning sickness doesn't happen only in the morning; it can strike at any time of day or night. It's known as morning sickness because an empty stomach can lead to queasiness, and your stomach is usually empty when you wake up.
It may help you feel better - at least mentally - to know that nausea and vomiting are often signs of a healthy pregnancy, says Sharon Phelan, M.D., associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Alabama, in Birmingham. They indicate high levels of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), a hormone produced by the placenta that keeps a pregnancy on course.
"The hCG levels peak between 8 and 12 weeks," says Tekoa King, a certified nurse-midwife and assistant professor of obstetrics at the University of California, San Francisco. This explains why many morning sickness sufferers find relief after the first trimester. Of pregnant women, roughly 50 to 75 percent experience nausea and vomiting, "but we don't know why some feel the effects of hCG more than others or for longer than others," says King.
The worst of it? The sympathy factor is inversely proportional to the length of time you suffer, as if your statute of limitations runs out by week 14. "Someone even asked me if I was a hypochondriac," says Hunnewell.
To ease queasiness until it runs its course, avoid odors or foods that trigger it; munch on high-carbo snacks like pretzels; chew gum; or suck on a mint, half a lemon, or ice chips.
Myth: Your skin will glow Gestation is a time of growth
All the hormones produced by our blossoming bodies are hell-bent on one thing: augmentation. That's why many expectant moms enjoy beauty benefits like thicker hair and faster-growing nails. But while they may bask in a rosy glow from the increased blood volume churning through their bodies, others endure broken blood vessels and spider veins. Add to these moles, skin tags, acne, chloasma (the mask of pregnancy), and/or linea nigra (a dark line on the belly), and you've got more "enhancements" than you bargained for.
"These changes are probably the result of hormonal surges," says Iris Aronson, M.D., associate professor of dermatology at the University of Illinois, in Chicago. "For example, pregnancy hormones stimulate a woman's body to produce more pigment."
The good news: With the exception of moles, many of these conditions vanish or recede after delivery. (A skin tag may fall off on its own, but usually a dermatologist can remove it in a simple procedure.) In the meantime, a dermatologist can also prescribe acne treatments that are safe to use during pregnancy. Sunlight can intensify chloasma; try to stay out of it, and use a sunscreen with an SPF of at least 15.
Myth: All pregnant women experience the same side effects and symptoms Just when I think I've heard of every possible growth or condition that pregnancy can trigger, there always seems to be a new one. During the first trimester of each of my three pregnancies, I was so sensitive to odors that it seemed my husband's pores were oozing garlic. I tortured him, insisting that he carry breath mints and accusing him of ingesting offending foods for lunch, even though he swore he was eating peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
"Sensitivity to odors is a common hormonal effect of pregnancy," says Dr. Phelan.
Far worse than my (or my husband's) predicament was that of Susannah Hunnewell. From her tenth week on, she produced so much saliva that she couldn't swallow it. "I had to spit constantly - in the subway, on the sidewalk, at work," she says. "I'd be talking to a co-worker and he'd say, 'Time to go spit.'"
Hunnewell was suffering from ptyalism, a rare condition that, like many quirky and annoying side effects, goes away once the baby is born.
Myth: By your eighth month, you will feel and be untouchable
Sure, many expectant moms think they're less attractive as their bellies enlarge. But thanks in part to soaring estrogen levels - which can rev up libido - some women feel downright delectable. "After my first trimester, in all of my pregnancies, I felt very sexy," says Cindy Rourke (not her real name), a West Coast mom. "I was on such a high from being able to create life inside me, I thought I was the true earth fertility goddess. Making love was wonderful."
It also helped that her husband was equally excited. "He found me very attractive," she says. "We loved reveling in my ripeness!"
Take advantage of this perk while you can.
Myth: No matter how much he tries, your partner can't "feel your pain"
If Laurie Russo's pregnancy was disappointing, the closeness she gained with her husband was its reward. A former editor of a women's sports magazine, Russo, of Louisville, CO, kept up her rigorous exercise regimen of running, cycling, hiking, and swimming. But several months of intermittent spotting, followed by a pinched nerve in her back, caused her to forfeit her active lifestyle - and peace of mind. "By the end of the pregnancy I felt like a failure," she recalls. "I couldn't work well, couldn't be a good wife, couldn't be the active pregnant woman I thought I'd be."
Enter husband Ken: "He was very understanding and took over the cleaning and cooking. He was always ready to listen." Still, Russo was shocked when Ken asked her to give herself a break by leaving her job. "He knew what I needed more than I did," she says. She quit - for good - the next day.
Some ways to encourage your partner to understand what you're going through, and share in the pregnancy: Ask him to give up alcohol and eat just as nutritiously as you; shop for the baby with him; do a prenatal exercise routine together; give him books to read about pregnancy and birth.
Myth: Your prenatal checkups will be high points in your pregnancy
Of course it's exciting to see your baby's image for the first time on the ultrasound screen. But not every visit to the obstetrician is a benchmark. In fact, most are quite routine: a check of urine, measurement of your weight, blood pressure, and uterine size, and - after about 12 weeks - a quick listen to the baby's heartbeat.
The upside: It's a good sign when checkups are uneventful. Since they're designed to detect problems, no news is good news.
But if feeling shuffled in and out of exams seems dull, read up on the changes happening to you and your baby beforehand so you can ask your doctor specific questions. Most obstetricians welcome dialogue and the opportunity to establish an open, comfortable relationship, says Dr. Henderson. After all, he says, "this is a partnership that lasts nine months and ends with doctors participating in one of the most momentous occasions in our patients' lives."
Myth: The second, or pushing, stage of labor goes quickly
The second - and most physically exhausting - stage of labor often hits moms-to-be like a ton of bricks. It's easy to think that once you're fully dilated and effaced, you can practically pop out the baby. But the pushing stage for first-timers typically lasts anywhere from one to three hours. "A new mom's muscles aren't used to labor," says Dr. Henderson. Subsequent deliveries often go faster (with pushing usually lasting about 20 to 60 minutes), since the cervix has already been through the process.
To speed up the second stage, try taking advantage of gravity and pushing in an upright position, if your doctor and hospital permit it: Squat, kneel, stand, or even sit on the toilet (you'll move back to the bed before the baby is born). Conserve energy by concentrating on breathing through contractions, instead of holding your breath, and resting between contractions, if you can.
Myth: You won't be able to handle the lack of privacy during the birth
New mothers sometimes dread the thought of exposing their body to strangers in the delivery room. And they may worry about embarrassing situations, like moving their bowels during labor.
"With my first, I thought I'd be worried about having my body spread all over the place," says Allison Hogan, a mother of three in Queens, NY. "I kept asking the nurse whether my gown was tied." But as labor progressed, Hogan let an intern she'd never met check her for dilation. "I was preoccupied with contractions," she says. "I didn't care what I looked like or who was seeing what part of my anatomy."
The doctors and nurses helping you aren't there to judge or criticize. Plus, there's probably nothing you could do or say that they haven't already seen or heard. When the time comes, you'll be able to let your guard down and focus on what's most important - delivering your baby.
HOW TO GET A FLAT TUMMY AFTER PREGNANCY
After carrying your precious bundle of joy for nine months, you've given birth--and now the hard work begins. In addition to caring for your baby, losing weight and regaining your pre-baby figure likely are high on your to-do list. You may have a difficult time achieving a flat stomach after pregnancy because your muscles have weakened and moved to make room for your baby.
Plan a healthy diet, exercise consistently and use resistance training to tone your muscles to lose the baby weight and get a flat tummy.
Step 1
Eat a diet filled with nutrient-rich foods, such as fruits, vegetables, low-fat dairy products, whole grains and lean proteins, recommends MayoClinic.com. Such foods will give you the energy you need to care for your baby and exercise--they also will make you feel full, yet help you lose weight.
Step 2
Practice proper posture, which may have suffered during your pregnancy. Slumping shoulders and poor back positioning can make your stomach appear pooched. Improve your postural muscles with exercises that strengthen your back and core muscles. Yoga and Pilates are good choices because they focus on making slow, controlled movements while strengthening your muscles and emphasizing good posture.
Step 3
Perform exercises that strengthen your abdominal muscles. Get clearance from your physician before training your abs, particularly if you had a cesarean section, which can injure your muscles and require time to heal.
When you're able, performing an abdominal crunch can help. Lie on your back with your feet on the floor and your fingers laced behind your head. Engage your abdominal muscles to lift your head and shoulder blades off the floor. Perform three sets of 10 repetitions. Gradually work your way up to 30 repetitions, recommends "Good Housekeeping."
Step 4
Engage in cardiovascular exercise, which helps you burn calories and lose fat from your belly. Examples of good exercises include walking, swimming or riding a stationary bike, according to MayoClinic.com.
These exercises get your heart pumping, yet minimize the damage to your joints. Incorporate your new baby into your exercise routine. Buy a jogging stroller and take your baby with you when you walk.
source: myjoyonline
STORAGE OF BREAST MILK
Many moms have similar questions about storing their breastmilk. I've answered some of the most-commonly asked questions:
How long can breastmilk be left at room temperature?
Studies have shown that freshly expressed breastmilk can be stored at room temperature, (79 degrees F), for up to six hours, (Hamosh 1996) or at 66 to 72 degrees for up to 10 hours (Barger and Bull 1987). I usually recommend leaving breastmilk at room temperature for no more than four hours. Breastmilk varies from mother to mother, and room temperature is often a subjective measure that varies over time.
How long can your milk be safely refrigerated?
If you are not going to use breastmilk within four hours after pumping, refrigerate or freeze it as soon as possible. If the milk is refrigerated at 32 to 39 degrees Fahrenheit it can be stored for up to eight days (Pardou 1994)
How long can you keep breastmilk in the freezer?
Frozen breastmilk can be stored three to six months, depending on the temperature of the freezer and frequency of freezer door openings. Deep freezers, or chest freezers afford the longest freezing time because of they usually have lower and more consistent temperatures. Do not store breastmilk on a freezer or refrigerator door, since that's where the widest temperature variations occur.
What type of container is best for storing your milk?
There are a variety of containers for breastmilk storage. For most healthy, term babies, who get the bulk of their nutrition from direct breastfeeding, the storage container is not as important as it might be for a hospitalized preemie or ill baby who is getting only expressed milk.
Glass is usually considered the best choice for freezing milk because the components of milk are better preserved in glass. Second choice would be hard, clear plastic containers. Most moms find plastic is more convenient and some day-care centers will not accept glass because of the risk of breakage. All containers should have a tight sealing, one piece lid.
Storing breastmilk in milk storage bags could present some problems. The milk could cling to the sides of the storage bag, reducing the amount that gets to baby. Milk bags are also more prone to contamination through leakage.
Some pump companies make milk storage bags that are very convenient to use and are of a thicker gauge plastic than those originally tested, however, these can be expensive. If you do use bags, it's a good idea to double bag the thinner ones and store any bag in a hard plastic storage container with a lid, in the freezer. This will help reduce the risk of small tears in the bag.
Ask your day-care provider that when they warm bagged milk, not to allow the water over the top of the bag, since this will likely cause water to enter the bag as it is opened. If the water used for warming becomes cloudy, that indicates a leak and the bag of milk must be discarded (Mohrbacher, & Stock 1997). Colored baby bottles should not be used as some of the dyes may enter the milk.
How will you know what milk should be used first?
Always label your milk with the date it was expressed and use the "oldest" stock first. If you provide milk for your baby in a day-care center, make sure your babies' name is clearly visible to avoid mix-ups.
How much milk should be stored for a feed?
I recommend that mothers of babies under six weeks store their milk in small increments of one to two ounces per container, so that warming time is short and less milk is discarded. As the baby gets older, milk can be stored in the amount that your baby usually drinks at a feeding, but it is still a good idea to keep some small amounts available for those times when the baby wants a little more or for a little snack when mom is expected home soon and will want to breastfeed.
Is it safe to save your breastmilk after offering to baby?
There has only been one small study of breastmilk that has been stored, warmed and partially consumed by babies. It suggests that it is safe to feed previously stored milk up to one or two hours after it has been prepared. Any unused portion should then be discarded.
References:
Barger, J. and Bull, P.A., Comparison of the bacterial composition of breast milk stored at room temperature and stored in the refrigerator. Intl Journal of Childbirth Ed 2: pages 29 and 30 1987.
Hamosh, M. et al., Breastfeeding and the working mother effect of time and temperature of short term storage on proteolysis, lipolysis, and bacterial growth in milk. Pediatrics 97 (4) 492 to 498, 1996
Mohrbacher, N. and Stock, J., The Breastfeeding Answer Book, La Leche League International, 1997, pp 30 to 31.
Pardou, A. et al., Human milk banking: influence of storage processes and of bacterial contamination on some milk constituents. Biol Neonate 65:302 to 309, 1994
source: myjoyonline
7 PEOPLE U SHOULD NEVER SLEEP WITH
Romantic relationships are often filled with many exciting twists and turns. But just because you feel that special tingle for someone doesn't mean you're a good match. There are boundaries that always need to be considered, even if you honestly think you've met the love of your life.
So before you schedule any candlelit dinners, take a look at this list of seven people who you should steer clear of romantically at all costs.
Your Doctor
Doctors have a special role in our society. They're regarded as heroes in many senses and with good reason. Whether your physician detects a life-threatening illness or gives you psychological feedback that improves your overall outlook, it's natural to look up to any doctor who has helped you. However, your gratitude should be expressed by paying the bill on time, not sharing your body in an intimate way. Sadly, some doctors take advantage of their patients' vulnerability and extreme gratitude by crossing the line into the physical realm. And because there is an unspoken hierarchy of power in this kind of sexual relationship, the patient can feel no choice in the matter. In fact, psychiatrists and psychologists in particular are able to exploit this reality more than any other type of physician because of the emotional weakness of their patients. But you don't have to be a victim. If you make your boundaries clear, you can prevent yourself form being manipulated into any kind of sexual relationship with a doctor. It's best to keep this acquaintance on a professional level where it belongs.
Your Lawyer
Like all interactions with your doctor, the relationship you share with your lawyer should be just as straightforward for many of the same reasons. But there is an added incentive for not stepping into any sexual escapades with your attorney. Such an action could negatively affect the ability to advise you as objectively as possible. The Code of Ethics exists because of this very conflict. Any appearance of impropriety could also cause problems between a lawyer and his or her firm, which can only make things so much worse for everyone involved. Furthermore, the stress of a court case may cause you to feel more susceptible to romance, especially if you look at your lawyer as your true protector. The intensity and the anxiety of any kind of legal matter can stir up sexual feelings that will just get in the way of resolving the issues at hand. So to eliminate any needless complications, think of your lawyer as a hired specialist, not a potential bedmate.
Your Boss
Sleeping with your boss is never a good idea. Once again, the inequality of power in this relationship is a major reason to avoid any sexual entanglement. You will never be a peer or a partner with someone who has such undue influence over your career. Even more importantly, by allowing yourself to enter into a sexual relationship with your boss, you could be jeopardizing your entire professional future. Every relationship has its issues. But romantic problems with a boss who controls every facet of your job may lead to disaster. Performing your professional duties can't help but suffer under these circumstances. You also may be opening yourself up to a company investigation of sexual harassment, which can serve to damage your reputation in the long run. While it may be tempting to jump into bed with the boss, don't take this leap. It could cost you a career you've worked hard to attain.
Your Best Friend
Close friendships are important connections in life. Many of them take years to build, developing trust and a special understanding of the other person that can only happen over time. When best friends move from a platonic bond to something sexual, both people are taking a big risk. The entire dynamic of the friendship instantly changes, never to return to its original state. With sex comes different emotions and a new level of attachment that could ruin what once was the perfect friendship. Although there are cases where best friends have evolved into a successful couple, that isn't the norm. So before you share your feelings with a pal of several years, make sure you understand that you could be sacrificing a longtime friendship for a romp in the hay.
Your Employee
Just like sleeping with your boss is a bad idea, so is a romantic encounter with an employee. The same principles are in play. This time, however, you're the one in the power seat. But the results may turn out exactly the same. Not only do you risk a sexual harassment lawsuit, but your entire reputation may be scarred for years to come. Work duties, which are the reason you're at the office in the first place, may fall by the wayside, too. Keep your professional contacts on a professional basis, even if you're tempted by a cutie who comes your way. Sex with an underling is not worth the potential sacrifices you might have to make in the long run.
Your Co-Worker
Although there may not be a power dynamic in sleeping with a co-worker, other problems could be just as damaging. For one thing, there are boundary issues. It's harder to focus on getting your work done, if your significant other is always in the office with you. And if your relationship is going through some rocky times, good luck separating the personal and the professional aspects of your interaction. You may also feel claustrophobic because whether you're at home or at work, you're always together. That means you have no time to breathe. Over time, you might also feel that work defines the relationship you share, making it more difficult to grow as a couple. It's natural to find co-workers attractive, especially if you spend many hours together. But think about how your work atmosphere could change for the worse, if you move this relationship into the bedroom.
Your Relative
Sex with a relative is always taboo unless the particular family member is a million times removed from your bloodline. But even then, it's a bit on the iffy side. There's the chance that any children that come of this union could face life with some kind of deformity. You also might encounter tension with other relatives because of your sexual relationship. For many reasons, it's best to keep your familial relations on a platonic level. There are plenty of appealing people who don't share your DNA to choose from.
SOURCE: Myjoyonline
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU DONT APPROVE OF A FRIENDS ENGAGEMENT..
You hoped it was a fleeting romance. But now that your BFF is flashing some bling and waxing poetic about happily ever after, you fear her walk down the aisle is destined to end with a trip to divorce court. Are you being a good friend if you speak up or should you just mind your own business?It depends. Make sure you're prepared before you object. “This may indeed be the end of a relationship -- yours and hers,” says marriage counselor Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences.You should definitely keep mum if your concerns are self-serving, like you’re sad that you still haven’t found Mr. Right or you fear your friend’s marital status will affect your girl time. Things get even trickier when your concerns are more subjective. Marie, then 23, of Indianapolis, was surprised when her fiance’s family opposed the couple’s engagement. And she didn’t think they had any convincing arguments. “Subjective reasons like ‘too young’ or ‘too different’ are weak rationale when advising someone on a life-altering decision like marriage,” she says. Plus, you can't be sure if you're right. Marie and her hubby are celebrating their 16th wedding anniversary this year. On the other hand, don’t be afraid to speak up if you know something for a fact (not rumor!), like her fiance is a cheat or has a history of domestic abuse.If you really feel like you do have to object rather than forever holding your peace, these tips from Tessina can help:
Think it through: Before sharing her misgivings with her recently-engaged niece, Denise, 46, first wrote down her concerns. “It helped to organize my feelings and opened my eyes to my personal biases,” she says. If that list is still screaming, "Say something!" the actual conversation should be face-to-face. “It’s too easy for sentiments to be misconstrued in emails or letters,” says Tessina.
Lead off gently: Don’t launch into a diatribe about how the marriage is a huge mistake. Let your friend know that because you care so much about her happiness, you want her to know your concerns. “It’s best to have this conversation in a private setting and to avoid alcohol which intensifies emotions,” says Tessina.
Know when to be quiet: Your friend will probably be hurt, surprised and defensive. When Laura, 41, expressed concerns about her friend’s speedy engagement, the conversation quickly escalated into a screaming match. “To this day, I wish I could take back some of the things I said.” Once you’ve stated your case and listened to your friend’s responses, drop it. “She’s an adult and able to make her own decisions,” says Tessina.
Keep the lines of communication open: If your friend cuts off contact, send a note of apology or leave a message as soon as possible. “You should expect a bad reaction when you step on someone’s dream,” says Tessina. If she hasn’t come around in a week or so, try sending flowers and let her know that you’ll always be her friend. What comes next is up to her.
Be supportive: Despite her reservations, Laura still participated in her friend’s wedding and wished the couple well. Even if you’re no longer on the guest list, Tessina suggests conveying your best wishes. “Your friend will hopefully see that a card saying ‘I'm so happy that you are happy’ means that you truly had her best interests at heart.” Whether the marriage lasts six months or 60 years, in the end, what matters most is that you are there if and when she needs you.
SOURCE: MYJOYONLINE
10 THINGS NEVER TO TEXT TO YOUR EX
Maybe you need to ask your ex something. Maybe she still has your stuff. Maybe his dad is ill and you want to check in. Before you text an ex, try to honor a month-long "no contact rule" first. When you do send that first text, accept that you may not get a response -- or at least not the response you want.
One-word texts: Don't just text "Hey" or "Yo." If you have something to say or ask, do so in your initial text. Get right to the point. Don't put your ex in an awkward spot of trying to interpret why you're contacting him/her.
Terms of endearment or flirty emoticons: You're no longer a couple. Avoid using pet names or cute phrases that should be reserved for a relationship. You cannot keep the cute stuff post-breakup.
Resentful rants: If you're upset, tell a friend. Do not text hurtful things just because you're tired/lonely/drunk and it's easy to do so. Take the high road into singleness.
"Why didn’t you text me back?" "Did you get my message?" Send one text. If he/she doesn't respond, accept that contact is likely not welcome yet.
Relationship talk: Don't debrief or reminisce over text. Beyond an initial post-breakup debriefing, which should be done in person, all relationship lessons should be shared with friends and your journal, not the person who broke your heart.
Booty-call requests: Never, ever a good idea.
"Thinking of you": This isn't helpful. It's predictable that recent exes will still be thinking of each other. But once you're no longer in a relationship, your ex should no longer be privy to your thought life.
Sexy pics See: booty-call requests. Move on.
Desperate apologies and pleading: Do not try to win back your ex by begging over text.
A second text, and then a third: Once you've accomplished what you needed to do -- he agreed to give your cat back on Thursday, for example -- quit while you're ahead. Be okay with being the one to end the text conversation.When in doubt, don't text your ex. Ever.
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